Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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