The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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