Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I smell stomach acid.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
