Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
