i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
