so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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