i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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