I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
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