Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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