Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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