At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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