Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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