I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
