Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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