take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
and i looked up. we had an audience...
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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