You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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