I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
