my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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