just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
