Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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