Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
