I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
