apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
