so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
