only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
