I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize