I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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