you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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