Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
