Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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