tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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