This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
