The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize