stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
