420 ftw
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
