Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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