Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
