She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
