I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Randomize
