Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize