I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
