she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
