I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
