i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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