I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize