Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I have tasted many bathrooms
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
