sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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