I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
