i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
