i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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