so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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