dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
