Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
