I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
