The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
