my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
