the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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