If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
