It's like God shit irony all over that family
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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