I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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